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22nd November 2010

12:02pm: i want to write something, but not sure what exactly. life changes, all the time, my mind takes time to catch up. there is so much to take in, and after i've processed it all, so very little comes out of it. actually i don't think that that is true, i think that my behavior and actions probably mirror my experiences very well, but my conscious brain never gets to be in on very much of it.

20th August 2010

2:42pm: i am in a productive mood! hope it sticks

19th August 2010

3:59am: i feel a bit lost. goddamnit, i think i am going to spend a good 90% of my life feeling lost. i don't know what i am doing with my life. i really need to try more things to find out what i like, but i'm not going to lie. for a while after i got home, i still had that "gung ho, do everything" attitude, but home is this scary swirling vortex that inevitably sucks me in. i'm afraid of doing anything. i come home and once again i feel so goddamn afraid of everything and everyone. i really hate myself right now. i need to find a way out. a way out and on my own. i think forcing me to be independent makes me feel more so. i really can't stand my life right now. just feeling lousy.... if it kills me i am going to ask about the future of my internship becoming a job, and if that isn't the case, i need to get the hell out of here. hell, i need to get the hell out of here anyway, but i don't know which path to take. this is a rather random thought, but i'm vaguely interested in psychology and, i don't know, public policy or something. the problem with those is that i feel like personally i don't know how effective i would be at either of those in a professional position. ughhhh i don't know. i need direction. boy wouldn't i love to go back in time to when my only concerns were finding parties to go to between monday and wednesday, and booking cheap trips? hahaha, i am going to spend the rest of my life reminiscing about australia. goddamnit.
3:38am: today at a chinese supermarket i sat next to this weathered 60-something year-old lady with wiggly drawn eyebrows and lips, long painted nails, a weird ass forearm tattoo, and a really trashy streetwalker outfit. she was going over her coupons, meticulously, and i kind of fell in love with her. i wanted to talk to her, but i think it would have broken the spell. plus i was sitting with courtney, so the opportunity was limited.

17th July 2010

2:22pm: i really am very grateful for everyone around me. i can't concentrate on writing, there is a worm chewing up my brain cells into mulch. i don't think time passes by faster than it did when i was younger, i think i just remember less, so it seems that not very much has happened in a long while.

12th July 2010

1:32am: there are certain people i miss like crazy. i'd love to live in a perfect world where i could see people when i want to see them. i love talking to caloy on skype. it's like he's right next door or something, instead of clear across the globe. but you can't talk on skype the way you can talk in person - i want to talk to him about certain things and get his advice, i also want to hang out with him and eat a whole chicken and drift along a river and do all the things he says we will do when i visit in the future. mostly right now i would love to go up to berkeley, which is a bit of a ghosttown in the summer, and see lank and go to the library everyday and eat cheap and not talk to anyone for months and months. i know i am all about change but i feel a bit exhausted right now by everything new. and i miss aline. there was a certain feeling with people in melbourne of an unspoken agreement, that we were all in things together... i miss feeling that way. there is something scary about recognizing one's position in the long arc of life.

10th May 2010

12:39am: i feel a bit more like my old self right now :) i think the excitement which started in australia of living someone else's life has worn off. i am back to wanting quiet activities and to be alone, and i feel really happy right now. haha, i was ranting to chris two hours ago about how stressed out i was, but i think it was a kind of turning point thing. my real life is the one with my family and all the stresses that that entails, and it doesn't leave the energy and commitment to going out and shenanigans. and i don't want to spend that kind of energy either. i want to read and talk to the fame and disappear for a bit. it wasn't till saturday when i was talking to sandy that i realized how much i miss arthika, and how weird it is that we are not best friends anymore. talking to her reminded me how close arthika and i actually were. just getting a little nostalgic, i don't expect things to change back to that, but it was special and i'm glad that i still have so many people i can pour my heart out to. it's the lesson from about a boy - you can't just have one person to rely on, you need a whole network of them, everyone holding everyone up like a pyramid of people, so even if one person leaves, you've got enough support to make up for that absence. not sure how my summer plans will work out, but i'm hoping i will be able to have some time to write. and read. there are so many difficult things about me but i'm glad i know people who understand that i'm coming from a good place, even if it is hard to put up with me sometimes. i am going to chill out and enjoy this summer.

8th April 2010

12:54pm: i really want some time off right now.
12:47pm: last.fm archive
Killing Time...
19 Apr 2007, 09:52

stolen from context.

First, make a list of your top-20 artists overall. Then, for each of these artists, add the 8 most similar artists to your list. Delete any duplicates, count up the number of entries on your list and this will give you some idea of how varied your listening habits are. A score of 9 represents an extremely unvaried musical taste while a 160 represents an extremely varied one.

My Top 20:
1 The Cure
2 Big Bang
3 Clazziquai Project
5 L'Arc~en~Ciel
6 Bright Eyes
7 w-inds.
8 Supercar
9 aiko
10 Kate Bush
12 雅-miyavi-
13 The Libertines
14 chatmonchy
16 Janne Da Arc
17 Cursive
18 The Smashing Pumpkins
19 Yo La Tengo
20 Modest Mouse

Related Artists:
Animal Collective
嵐 (Arashi)
Arctic Monkeys
Base Ball Bear
Belle and Sebastian
Bloc Party
Broken Social Scene
Cat Power
クラムボン (Clammbon)
Cocteau Twins
David Bowie
Death Cab for Cutie
Depeche Mode
Dir en grey
Dirty Pretty Things
Dué le quartz
Elliot Smith
Every Little Thing
Fly to the Sky
Foo Fighters
フジファブリック (Fuji Fabric)
Joy Division
Kaiser Chiefs
関ジャニ∞ (Kanjani∞)
木村カエラ (Kimura Kaela)
이효리 (Lee Hyori)
Minus the Bear
Mondo Grosso
무가당 (Moo Ga Dang)
Mr. Children
中村一義 (Nakamura Kazuyoshi)
Nakanomori BAND
安室奈美恵 (Namie Amuro)
Neutral Milk Hotel
New Order
Nine Inch Nails
Pearl Jam
PJ Harvey
Plastic Tree
ポルノグラフィティ (Porno Graffitti)
Psycho le Cému
くるり (Quruli)
비 (Rain)
レミオロメン (Remioromen)
신화 (Shinhwa)
Stony Skunk
Sufjan Stevens
Super Junior
タッキー&翼 (Tackey & Tsubasa)
태빈 (Taebin)
The Arcade Fire
The Blood Brothers
The Decemberists
The Faint
The Flaming Lips
The Futureheads
ガゼット (The GazettE)
The Good Life
The Postal Service
The Shins
The Smiths
スピッツ (Spitz)
The Strokes
サニーデイ・サービス (Sunny Day Service)
The Young Punx
Tommy heavenly6
Tori Amos
東方神起 (TVXQ)
YG Family
Zazen Boys

Related artists: 113

Total artists: 133
WiseFishJoe wrote:
6 Jul 2008, 02:56 Holy cow, how long did it take you to do this?
View Profile | Leave WiseFishJoe a shout
happycattalk wrote:
6 Jul 2008, 22:09 haha, hence the "killing time" title :P

The Whirling World...
20 May 2007, 07:34

one plus one is two. one plus one is two. one plus one is two. one plus one is two. one plus one is two. one plus one is two.

one plus one is two.

SUPERcar. (Supercar) is not boring!!!!!

Don't Have To Be So Sad by Yo La Tengo (Don't Have to Be So Sad) is my favorite love song ever.

and while I stood still/ I felt a chill/ I thought that maybe you did too (I wanted to feel that way forever)

And that's why/ If you're looking at me/ I'll try/ to be what you want to see/ and if I'm (if I'm, ever that lucky)

You won't have to be so/ You won't have to be so sad.

16 Jul 2007, 09:22

there are days when you wonder if your beating heart is the only thing still keeping you alive, but other moments remind you that a sunrise is a fucking gorgeous thing to happen every single day all over the world, and a cure concert is something like showing the first by proving the second.

[The Cure]

3 Oct 2007, 04:47

Fuji Fabric are so cute and sweet and wonderful.


Cheese Burger


3 Oct 2007, 05:32

Name your top 10 most played artists on Last.fm:

1. The Cure
2. Clazziquai Project
3. SE7EN
4. Big Bang
5. Bright Eyes
6. 雅-miyavi-
7. L'Arc~en~Ciel
8. w-inds.
9. Supercar

Onto the questions:

What was the first song you ever heard by 6?
- Ashita Genki ni Naare / あしタ、元気ニなぁレ。

What is your favorite album of 2?
-Instant Pig.

What is your favorite lyric that 5 has sung?
- Loads. Two I can think of at the moment:

and just when i got fed up with that grey sky
the sun came out of nowhere like a barfight
and it knocked out the wind
and it bruised me with love
and i felt grateful for living
just like i feel tonight.
- Well Whiskey

but these are days we dream about when the sunlight paints us gold
and this apartment could not be prettier as when we danced up there alone
this tv is old, the color is fucked, do you see the
difference in the shades?
but the green is still close to green, my love
and i believe we are the same
and we'll stay like this, all gold and green
the light collects and projects your heart on a movie screen
and if you close your eyes
we will always be the way we were that night
you crawled inside of me - The Difference in the Shades

How many times have you seen 4 live?

What is your favorite song by 7?
-I'm not too keen on L'Arc~en~Ciel, they just have a lot of solid songs.

What is a good memory you have involving the music of 10?
-Sitting on a brick wall and listening to 夢の中のまっすぐな道 to clear my head.

Is there a song of 3 that makes you sad?
-Haha, I only listen to SE7EN for cheery music.

What is your favorite lyric that 2 has sung?
-The only ones I know - the lyrics to "sweety."

What is your favorite song by 9?
-"My Girl," usually, but sometimes "PLANET."

How did you get into 3?
-The song CRAZY, which I adore :D I asked for the mp3 after DYNAMICskyline sent me the making-of video.

What was the first song you heard by 1?
-Well I might have heard some of their songs when i was young, and don't remember, but "Pictures Of You" was my first.

What is your favorite song by 4?
-Good Bye Baby.

How many times have you seen 9 live?
-None, as they are broken up. =(

What is a good memory you have involving 2?
-stepping out, which is the song I used to make a Valentine's day video <3

Is there a song of 8 that makes you sad?
-Nope. w-inds. are happy.

What is your favorite album of 5?
-"I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning," which I LOST. and also, which was the last album of theirs I bought.

What is your favorite song of 1?
-The Cure have at least one hundred perfect songs. A few off the top of my mind: The Drowning Man, From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea, Just Like Heaven, Inbetween Days, Primary, Push, One Hundred Years (live), Closedown, and the list goes on.

What is your favorite song of 10?

How many times have you seen 8 live?

What is your favorite album of 1?

What is a great memory you have considering 9?
-Can't think of one.

What was the first song you heard by 8?

What is your favorite cover by 2?
-Dunno if they've covered anything.

8 Oct 2007, 06:45

Meursault pour moi n'est donc pas une épave, mais un homme pauvre et nu, amoureux du soleil qui ne laisse pas d'ombres.
- Albert Camus

J'espère être amoureux du soleil brûlant toujours, même à l'époque du bonheur, même à l'époque du déception.

4 Jan 2008, 10:16

Life is really shit. Still, I'm glad to be alive.

WiseFishJoe wrote:
13 Jun 2008, 05:23 Yah, seriously. I'm with you, man.

2 Jun 2008, 12:06


The Cure



half a decade....
31 Aug 2009, 15:26

it's been just over five years since i saw the cure live for the first time. i try not to forget how my life was then.....
WiseFishJoe wrote:
8 Sep 2009, 04:36 really? try or try not?
View Profile | Leave WiseFishJoe a shout
happycattalk wrote:
9 Nov 2009, 13:45 try not. it used to be too close for comfort, so i couldn't think about it at all. but now it's fading away, like everything, and i know that memory is all i really have.

29th March 2010

11:02pm: i feel like i am constantly screwing up life. i don't really know what i want, so i'm not heading anywhere in particular.

21st March 2010

7:14pm: it makes me sad when i realize that the difficult things i dealt with before still go on, it's just that i'm no longer in the situation where i'm forced to deal with them.

watched up in the air with cyn and chris yesterday. i really really liked it. what happens between george clooney and alex basically sums up my fear of relationships. call it low self-esteem, insecurity, whatever, but i can't imagine a relationship without the anxiety that the beautiful special moments that you share mean more to you than they do to the other person. vera (is that her name?) was so perfect, i fell in love with her on george clooney's behalf. the thing is, it's heartbreaking when they're not an asshole, which is why i take every opportunity to be one. I'm worn out as it is without having to deal with the drama of a relationship. it should always be easy. if it isn't, it's not worth it. and i'm not just saying this from a commitment phobic mindset. if it's meant to be, it will be easy. life is like that.

16th March 2010

2:27pm: am trying to be more focused and aware of my surroundings. i think i'm gonna disappear for a while.

today as i was walking up the stairs to my empty apartment complex (since everyone's on spring break) i realized how much i love being by myself, and being somewhere with no one around. i think maybe that is my problem with cutting people off at a certain point. i don't want to have to explain myself if i disappear, and with the famely, that's not an issue just because we know each other well enough, or at least i can explain without the fear of offending someone. anyway, some days it seems like a really nervewracking idea, but maybe i really will just head out one day and move somewhere far away. i have the feeling that it could be so much fun. i keep thinking about my summer in berkeley and that's what i want right now. slow, quiet days in an temporarily evacuated neighborhood.

5th March 2010

5:56pm: today was alright. i have bob, so physical unease.

i love sleeping because dreams are so much better than reality. yesterday night in my dream i was in this apartment building and there were some illegal dealings regarding it and then they started cutting down the trees in front of the building to get a better view. okay, it's not that exciting, but everything is beautiful and visceral and ironically i feel way more alive than i do when i'm awake. there are always so many random people that i talk to and they don't have their own agendas, we're all in it together, i think my brain is telling me that my life is sad and lonely, haha.

jep today was frustrating as our games weren't very good and the kids were bored. phil kind of took over the group, and i guess i got irritated at him, so afterwards when we were leaving i was a bit snappy. but seriously, he annoys me sometimes, he really needs to learn how to react and work with kids better. and tawa is like, not that enthusiastic or something. whatever. i love the kids. i keep thinking how by the time they are my age i will be ancient. they have so much ahead of them that i'm never going to know about. it's really exciting.

4th March 2010

12:48pm: this has been a lousy week. i feel sad and lonely and worried and tired. for some reason i feel incapable of really basic things, which i think is just a consequence of being in a depressed mood. hope things pick up.
2:16am: my business classes make me really concerned about the power and absence of moral integrity that characterize big businesses. the way that we study and are taught about cases, and the speakers who come in to lecture to our classes, really blatantly disregard the questionable ethics in strategically successful decisions. no one in my classes cares two shits, which is completely expected, but it's just upsetting and i'm struggling to establish a mental context for the material we learn that will reconcile with my personal values in a way that i can feel genuine enthusiasm for the prospect of working in that kind of business environment. i don't think i'm being too idealistic. i think the business world is genuinely a scarily ethics-free environment.

3rd March 2010

1:18am: god you play me a rotten hand.

got a lot to cover but i'm just gonna skip it. today came like a ghost of the past. i hate these cycles, it convinces you you're going nowhere.

21st February 2010

1:57pm: i don't know why
but i feel kind of lonely all the time. even while i'm with a lot of people and hanging out and talking. i feel like i don't talk to the people i want to enough, so i try to keep in contact with everyone, but even as we're talking i feel like there's a distance that i'm not bridging.

and i hate people judging me and saying i'm crazy because my philosophy on life isn't traditional. just because i appreciate even the stupid things about life doesn't make me high, doesn't mean i'm a kid, or that i'm just a nutjob whose babbling should be ignored. calling someone crazy just allows you to compartmentalize them so that everything they say gets classified as "something they would say" rather than an idea with point that it could be wise to be thoughtful about. i am tired of being near home. i love my family, but i need to be on my own.

on a side note, watched 500 days of summer the other night, and i loved it. it is a great movie.

11th February 2010

1:54am: i am happy today. i am going to graduate on time and gonna see my sister this weekend and maybe go hiking with chris and lots of plans lined up the next month! r who is in one of my classes this semester is super cute and i am totally going to be poised and not tongue-tied and approach him like a normal person. haha, who am i kidding. oh well, i feel happy, maybe i will have a good dream tonight.

UGH, that thing in my dream where i keep pulling strands out of my mouth has got to stop. i think i do that EVERY SINGLE DREAM nowadays, is soooo annoying and i'm always afraid i'll tear something. i kind of want to just do it to see if it has any physical effect, but i'm just totally afraid it'll cause me to bite my lip off or something.

9th February 2010

7:44pm: so i think it's a funny thing. my sister and j's split was just so much proof of how unpredictable life is, and how hard it is to ever really know another person, and just kind of reinforces that attitude i've always had that i need to be complete and independent as a person, and how much my aversion to people in general stems from the fact that i'm actually scared of commitment, and trusting another person that much with my kind of pathetically sensitive feelings. but for some reason today i felt differently. and i think that like, for the first time in my life, i think i want a boyfriend. and i don't mean to say, "i want so-and-so to be my boyfriend," but like, i think i want a boyfriend, period. and i honestly don't have anyone particular in mind. i want to be able to call someone up, or show up at their door, at any hour of the day, with any problem, and know that they'll want to see me. i want a relationship in my life that doesn't have any barriers or hesitation. which i'm well aware isn't that common. so i want a boyfriend who's like, my best friend. because the difference between a boyfriend and a best friend is that a best friend is there to help you through things when you need it, and vice versa, whereas a boyfriend (or significant other) is just always there. and i kind of need that. if i need to talk to someone and no one's available for like, three hours, i kind of go crazy. i don't like needing a reason to see a person. i just like having someone around. maybe i just need a roommate who's also a friend. maybe i'm wildly miscategorizing my needs. maybe. haha

28th January 2010

1:34pm: everybody's gotta help everybody out. i feel slightly less stressed out, and like, thoughtful but not overly focused after going to j's yesterday. i met with a tfa person in the morning. and the idea's kind of growing on me. i kind of hope i get in. i kinda think i'd really like it. but i'm not sure. a lot depends on where you go too. we'll see what's up.

26th January 2010

12:50pm: recuperating....

there's no way to avoid it. the next months are going to be hell, no matter what happens. i hope things will somehow be better once all this is over.

back to the same old grind, but i think my attitude's different. i feel less discouraged by that itch inside. i'm trying to stay focused. hope i am lucky. everyone could use a little luck.

21st January 2010

12:05am: i don't know what i want to do about it. when something's so wrong that you can't even imagine fixing it, my brain feels numb, there are mosquitoes all over it. maybe growing up is this horrible realisation that everything you never believed is true. i don't want to know what's next. i'm scared of what's next.

20th January 2010

2:30pm: fuck there's some bad shit going down. i hope it is over soon. although that doesn't change the fact that it changes everything. i feel so stressed out.

9th January 2010

1:01am: sometimes i am hanging out with people, or a person, and it's just nice, and normal, and we might be joking around or not, doing the exact same things we usually do, and i just feel so lonely that i want them to leave so i can cry. and i don't understand why, or what it is that i want instead.

7th January 2010

3:47pm: i feel lonely as hell today.
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